Sweat pours
As she rages gracefully
Cycling miles
To nowhere
Compelled to sob
In the darkness
Assaulting music
Strikes her solitude
Jarring wounds
That open way too easily
An occupied corner
Of the real world.
Swirling disco lights
A rambunctious team
Of co-conspirators
Who yelp and holler
In a universe
Of exuberance
Reminding her,
Joy has stopped.
I offered to God my complete surrender. I could no longer carry life with my own power and will, I beseeched him for help as I teetered on the ledge of helplessness languishing in pain.
But the only intuitive jolt I received was to take a spin class… really? Of all the deep spiritual lessons that could have penetrated intuition, I could not get any further in Divine Reflection than the call to the Spin Chapel!
The alter of worship consisted of a raised platform with disco light s and 40 sweaty disciples tethering on the edge of endorphin bliss. My daily devotion consisted of the meditations I experienced on the bike when I had reached my cardio max, prayers uttered while striving to reach the top of an excruciating hill, where sometimes an angel would appear to me. Aside from feeling pretty fit, something inside started shifting as I spun to nowhere.
At it is at that juncture that I experienced the ability to embody my pain, up until that moment I would never have allowed myself any depth of feeling because I was too busy being everything to everybody. And besides, once I got there , how the hell would I get myself back?.
I was obsessed with the role of being of indispensable service to everyone my entire being was built on keeping a multitude of balls in the air while maintaining the notion of having it all-but when I thought of it …spinning in the dark…
deep down I had been over “riding” an emptiness, exhaustion, loneliness, and disconnection to me.
My big revelation as I spun in the dark lay in the notion that I had spent my whole life doing what was expected of me,
rather than
what was
accepted by me
In looking back I think I felt as powerless and disconnected when I had it all,
as when I lost it all.
But Spinning in the dark invited me into those places, the ones that scared me. Feeling grief, rage, and despair, while I ugly cried in the corner spinning to Arianna Grande.
Spinning….hmmm… riding my rupture rather than repressing it- ain’t the universe clever?